How To Actively Listen To Your Child For Better Communication

Great communication starts with openness and honesty with your thoughts and feelings. Our relationships with our children and other family members are built on trust, which stems from knowing how to actively listen for better communication. 

When you have trust established in your relationship with your child you can easily engage in conversation with them without them feeling as though you are probing. Children are good at picking up on whether you are asking questions authentically or if you are just probing (or being nosey). Let’s talk further about how to actively listen to your child for better communication.

There are some steps involved in actively listening to your child when you are ready. I included steps with this because it’s much easier to keep them on your radar while you are speaking with your child. I’ll go into further detail about these following steps after discussing the skills that are needed to maintain the conversation.:

1. Put aside/take away all distractions when conversation is initiated.

2. If speaking in person, provide some eye contact.

3. Provide suggestions/brainstorm on how to improve their situation/problem.

4. Practice silence when necessary.

Now, I’m going to go into further detail on some skills that you can incorporate intentionally with your interactions with your child. 

1. Engage With Intent

What does this mean exactly? Before you even start a conversation with your child you need to have somewhat of a clear picture of what you want to get out of the conversation. A simple example of this is starting a conversation on what’s on their agenda for the weekend (if they are older), or how their day went at school, or while they were away at grandmas or a friend’s house. 

You may do this without even being aware, but we are all guilty of having moments when we start a conversation and are not prepared for the emotional blow up that takes place 30-seconds after starting it because of our lack of awareness of the other person's emotional state. This is why it’s important to be emotionally present when you are speaking with your child. 

Ask yourself these questions in the moment:

1. What does my child’s body language say?

2. What does their tone convey? Or what is it withholding?

3. Am I providing them with my full attention at this moment?

Try to think about what you want to get out of the conversation that would help you learn more about your child on an even deeper level. Children are interesting because they are constantly learning, growing, and developing into more mature humans as the years progress. You may have one conversation with them about their favorite topic when they are 5, and then even 6 months to a year later it can develop into a more meaningful and deep conversation that may surprise you.

2. Ask thought provoking follow up questions

This is a good opportunity to get to know your child better on a deeper level. Remember, they are like sponges and can even teach us a thing or two from all of the information that they are absorbing. 

This is also an opportunity to be silent and absorb what they are saying. The space does not need to constantly be filled with words. Sometimes silence with some eye contact can make someone feel as though they are being heard, and then ask a follow up question.

Asking a follow up question may be the difficult part if this is new to you, but here are some questions that you may ask them.

• How did that make you feel when that happened?

• What was your reaction when that happened?

• Why do you feel as though x was a good reaction when y took place?

These are considered open ended questions that can lead to a deeper conversation and will allow for a deeper response than just yes or no answers. 

3. Reflect on what they say and ask if you are hearing them correctly 

This skill can be a little tricky because you don’t want to parrot them and be annoying by stating the same thing that they just said. This is a tricky skill to master. Instead, try paraphrasing what you heard them say to confirm their feelings and to ensure that you are hearing them correctly.

A good opportunity to paraphrase what they are saying is when there is a moment of silence following a moment of long, intense, and often emotional response to a situation. Silence can be powerful when used properly. 

What you don’t want to do is invalidate your child’s feelings by not responding at all, or by changing the subject without providing a solution to their problem. 

4. Probe any emotion that rose during conversation

Dive deep into your child’s emotions to learn more about what triggered their emotions can be a rewarding conversation. 

This is the time to find out why something that you may have considered to be ”small” got under their skin so badly. Instead of passing judgment on this one, utilize this time to  unpeel any layers of an emotional guard that your child may have put up. 

Figure out why they have put this emotional guard up, but do not take this moment to take the guard down. If attempted at the wrong time it can cause more harm than good. 

5. End the conversation by showing that you appreciate the time you shared

Showing appreciation can be done in a few ways, and this part mainly depends on the closeness that you have with your child.

What may be completely normal in one relationship isn’t the same in someone else’s. So I’ll leave you with a few suggestions:

1. Show affection with a hug, especially if it was just an emotional interaction that may have left your child in tears. Please, hug them. This will show your child that you love them, even if you say it every day there is nothing like a hug from your parents to show “I love you.”

2. Verbally express how much you appreciated the conversation that you just had and all of the time you spent together getting closer.

3. Tell them you are proud of them and lead with another endearing compliment that is completely authentic.

Attaining these skills while utilizing the steps that I am about to guide you through will make it much easier to navigate the conversation. So, let’s begin.

Step 1:

Put Aside All Distractions

This includes your cell phone, as well as any other person in the room that may be trying to grab your attention at the same time while your child is talking to you. If the other person has not picked up on the cue that you are speaking with your child, tell them directly to hold that thought while I speak to my child.

Step 2:

Provide Undivided Attention (eye contact, but not in an intense way)

This isn’t supposed to be a staring contest, but it’s been proven that it is easier to follow along someone’s conversation when you are paying attention while they are talking to you. Providing eye contact can make your child feel heard and that you have their attention.

It’s important to watch your body language while you are providing eye contact, such as no crossing of the arms or hands on the hip. You don’t want to associate the conversation that they are having with you as being a firm talk or any disciplinary action.

Step 3:

Brainstorm On How To Improve Their Situation/Problem

Wait until they have said all that they needed and once they take the moment to pause provide a suggestion without passing judgment. If they feel like you are going to judge them, then they are not going to listen to you or this may be the last time they come to you with a problem.

Now, you don’t want to hammer them over the head with suggestions to the point where their concerns are being overlooked, but you do want them to understand that most things will have a solution that they may not have considered.

Step 4:

Practice Silence When Necessary 

I promise it won’t be awkward, but as I mentioned earlier silence can be powerful. It can give you both room to think clearly and to brainstorm even further. It also shows that you aren’t urgently trying to dismiss them and their situation, but would rather ponder on it deeper instead.

It is a sad reality that during the pandemic of 2020 many children were ignored, needs were not met emotionally by parents or professionals and most children were pushed to the wayside to figure it out for themselves. Mental health in children has risen and it’s not too late to start actively listening to your child. 

Remember, your job can let you go whenever they want, your circle of friends may come and go, and your spouse may even take a rotation a couple of times. However, that relationship with your child is gold and it helps them set the standard for the type of friendships they may establish in the future. 

You set the standard for your child. Start today to make a change in the way you communicate with your child by practicing active listening. You won’t be disappointed.